We had a plan. Megan was graduating in a couple of years and Brian and I were talking again about what we would do once she went to college. We had this idea that we would find a place closer to family. We would have land, be near the water and build a small house on our land for Madison. We would find a job for her in a town nearby and we even talked about getting her an off-road vehicle and painting it purple. For years I had been prepared to have Madison at home with us or at least very close by. We were actually really excited about the plans we had in mind, looking forward to putting in the work and watching her find her place in the world with our help and watching Megan decide what she wanted to do with her life.
Now, my nest is about to be empty and it was never supposed to be. We’re preparing to take Megan to college, move her into her dorm and say goodbye. I’m not prepared to walk back into my house. I shouldn’t be done raising my girls. My job isn’t supposed to be over. I know, while Megan is technically an adult, I still have a lot of mothering left to do. But it’ll be in a different capacity and that’s as it should be.
Social media is a beautiful thing if you choose to let it be. I can see my family every day. I can see what friends from decades ago are doing now and, if they have a family, watch their kids grow. After losing Madison, I now have to watch my family and friends continue to raise their kids who are still at home while we aren’t allowed to do so. Life just continues for so many while my life feels like it has stopped. I know I’m supposed to find my purpose now. I’m still Megan’s mom of course, and I’ll always be here for her. But my purpose was Madison and I was ready for her to be that purpose for as long as possible. Now, I’m supposed to focus on myself.
It’ll take some time to stop the feelings of self-loathing. I’ll never stop blaming myself for losing my daughter. No one can tell me we couldn’t have saved her. We could have if we had acted sooner. I need to get on the other side of disliking myself and I’m not there yet. I need to figure out how to appreciate who I am so I can find another purpose.