On October 27th, I wrote that I didn’t know how to do this. I still don’t. How do you live each day after losing a child because I haven’t figured it out yet aside from the fact that I have no choice? Then I thought about the year 2007. I was sitting on my couch, alone, waiting on a phone call from the developmental pediatrician in Albany. The call came in at 3pm, and the doctor hesitated then said he wished I had come in to get this news. The moment he told me she had a chromosome abnormality I asked him what it was, he answered, and I hung up. On the way to my computer to search for what he told me I was thinking, “How do I do this? I don’t know how to do this.” It took time, but I learned what it meant to be a parent of a child with a developmental disability. The time, the patience, the people in my house on a daily basis, the fear, tests, and evaluations. The years of watching her grow without improving then the overwhelming joy of seeing her progress was a roller coaster I would never take back. The lessons I learned from Madison are immeasurable. She made me a better person and the families and children I have met over the years who struggle daily with a smile on their faces made me a better mom. I still don’t know how I get through this because, at the moment, I feel stuck on neutral. I just know I will, we will because we have no choice and we’ll figure it out just like we figured out how to be her parents and how to keep that smile on her face. Am I strong enough for this? No. God is strong enough to help me through it though and that’s all I need.
