We are learning to live with grief. It’s a constant companion like this invisible being sitting, standing, lying near me at all times. It chooses when to smother me or give me some space to breathe. There are so many times when I feel ok, then suddenly grief settles on my chest and I can’t function. I just stare at nothing. If I don’t have a distraction, grief invades my mind showing me that horrible morning on repeat in vivid detail and I feel the panic all over again. Now that some time has passed, I understand what others have told me, that grief will never leave me and I’ll just have to learn how to live with it. In some ways, it’s worse now because that initial shock numbed me with disbelief and distracted me with attention from people who love us and loved her. I’m having to learn how to live without her, how to live with the silence. But it’s something that I have to learn in order to keep going.
This won’t get easier. I’ll just slowly become more and more intimately acquainted with grief and accept its presence until I can focus more often on how Madison brought me so much joy rather than how desperately I want her back, how much I miss her while regularly thinking about what happened that day. I just know that will take a very long time.