From a very young age, we’re taught that we aren’t perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we learn and improve. Some mistakes give us harder lessons than others, but there’s always tomorrow. Time will heal the pain of your errors, apologies can be made, things can be fixed. When a mistake results in something as permanent as the death of your child, the memory of the incident haunts you. Hindsight doesn’t teach you anything, it tortures you, causing your brain to berate you with questions and accusations. Something this painful demands an answer and someone or something to blame. As Madison’s mother, I am ultimately responsible so my brain is constantly pointing its finger at me, demanding answers as to why I didn’t act sooner or notice something was dangerously wrong. “It’s YOUR fault she’s gone! YOU noticed something was wrong! YOU should have acted sooner!!” There’s no way to turn this off and the heartbreak that comes with it makes me wonder sometimes how I can possibly still be alive. How is it that my heart hasn’t just given up? Why is my body still breathing and living? It’s crushing to know that my mistake led to the death of my baby girl.
I think one of the hardest parts of life as a parent is being able to forgive yourself for failing your children. Whenever I lost my temper with Madison I would always go to her and apologize and make sure she was ok and knew that I was wrong. I need to do that so badly now.
I’m so sorry, Madison, for not helping you as I should have. For not getting you the help you needed sooner. For depriving you of more life and depriving others of your joy. I suppose the greatest punishment for a mistake like this is what I’m going through now. I’m experiencing the daily pain of loss and grief that will follow me around the rest of my life.
Many have told me it isn’t my fault and that I couldn’t have known what was happening. I was sick too and feeling horrible along with her. But it was clear that she was struggling more than I was, that something more was happening. She had been sick longer than I had so I thought I was just watching what was about to happen to me. There was a moment I thought everything was ok when she was telling her dad to move out of her way so she could see Spongebob on the tv that morning, but minutes later she stopped breathing and her heart stopped. We had about 12 hours to figure out something was very wrong and get her help. 12 hours. We thought we could help her through it. We were wrong. Could she have been saved had we realized 6 hours into her illness? We’ll never know now. This is a mistake I’ll never get over nor can it ever be fixed.
Oh my! I want to scream at you to forgive yourself for not being omniscient! I want to tell you, as others have, that it’s not your fault. We can’t know everything that is going to happen. But I haven’t lost a child. I can’t imagine the need to blame yourself, the need to take responsibility as her mom, because you “should have known”. Because we think we have control and should always know what is wrong with our children. That “control” and “omniscience” is an illusion. We have never, and will never, have control. You know the only One who is control and he numbers the hair on our heads and the days of our lives before we’re even born. And He is the only One who really knew and the only One who can bring any comfort or peace to your mommy’s heart. I pray you will find that as you lean in to Him and He is faithful to be there.