Ever since we lost Madison, the events of that day run on repeat through my brain. At times, the images are so vivid that I have trouble breathing and start going into a panic attack. It’s strange because I know that I can’t change what happened, I can’t go back and do things differently, but I still feel terror like I did that day. The hardest time of the day for me is bedtime. My room is where we set up a bed for her to help her through throwing up all night. It’s where I heard her voice for the last time. It’s where she collapsed, stopped breathing and her heart stopped. I got to bed in the room where my daughter died. I have to close my eyes and force the horrific images out of my mind and try to think of something else so I can sleep. Sometimes, I can’t do that and I get extremely restless. The only thing that has helped block out the awful thoughts I have is singing part of a song in my head:
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
I just repeat this over and over in my head. A kind of pleading prayer for God to have mercy on me and give me peace. It’s the begging desperation of a grieving mother to her Savior for help that can’t be found anywhere else. No one person can give me peace and strength through this, so that is my mantra. I recite it during the day when those thoughts creep in when I’m trying to sleep or keep myself from crying so I can just move through life.
Lord have mercy on me.