Since my last entry in May, a lot has happened. School ended, and my daughter Megan was given a nice award by her choir teacher. Meg started an online class to satisfy her Associate’s degree requirements and we all got ready for our first Summer trip this year back to The Bar Lazy J.
On 6/8, we did our best to remember Madison for her birthday. She would’ve been 16. Not long after she turned 15, Madison started planning for her 16th birthday. She wanted to do everything with her friends and eat all her favorite things. She definitely wanted a party. She talked about it regularly and I absolutely planned on going overboard for her big Sweet 16. Instead, I had planned on inviting people over to eat McDonald’s Happy Meals in her memory. But after how I handled Mother’s Day, I knew we just needed to be at home as a family. We all went out and got our Happy Meals after I posted online requesting that others do the same and post pictures of their toy if they wanted to participate. A friend of Megan’s showed up with her food, then her mom came and another friend of mine. We sat around, talking and laughing, eating our nuggets and burgers trying to put the stickers on the little spaceship toy. I looked online to see pictures from all over of families with their Happy Meals in honor of Madison’s birthday. It warmed my heart and gave me the distraction I needed.
Later that day, Megan called down from her room for us to come. A young raven had hit her window and was on the other side just looking in. We opened the window and interacted with it for several minutes. It wasn’t afraid of us or shy and apparently curious about us because it stayed for a long time, hopping around on the roof tiles. We couldn’t help but laugh thinking about how much Madison would have loved that on her day. She loved the ravens that came by our house regularly.
The Bar Lazy J was fun but definitely difficult. It was one of Madison’s favorite places and we all loved to watch her enjoy it. She made so many parts of that visit even more fun for us all. My cousin and owners of the ranch decided to commemorate Madison by giving her a permanent place on the playground where she always loved to hang out with her “friends”. She’ll always be a part of the ranch thanks to their love for her. My sister sent a purple blanket to the ranch for Madison’s favorite horse, Apache AKA “Pache”. We got to spend some time with her wearing it. Brian and I spent some time alone by the river. We needed a moment to grieve remembering all the time we spent with her there and how painful it was that she was gone. Everything about the ranch reminded us of her, and while I understand the importance of facing the places she loved, it was all we could do to hold it together most of the time. I was always on the verge of tears everywhere we went and cried on several of the rides just because I knew I could and no one would know.
We came home and got back into our lives. Megan will work on her online class for a little while longer, Brian will work, and I will get us prepared for our next trip in July. Time just keeps going. Life keeps moving. All of these firsts hurt more than I can explain.
Madison has been gone 8 months today and it feels like I lost her yesterday. While I don’t cry as often, I still struggle to breathe sometimes. I still fight with my brain to accept that she’s gone and to stop imagining scenarios that resulted in her still being with us. We finally had our phone call with the coroner who explained what was happening to her in her last moments. Viral Gastrointestinal Septicemia took her from us in about 12 hours. Her severely low blood pressure prevented her body from properly hydrating and put too much strain on her heart until it gave out. By the time her symptoms were severe, it was most likely too late to save her. It hurt so much to hear the coroner tell us that we did everything we were supposed to do and even if we got her to the doctor sooner, they most likely wouldn’t have been able to save her. It broke my heart to hear him tell us that he would never forget Madison. He never sees children who are so well taken care of. It was just a perfect storm that resulted in us losing our baby girl.
So, we just keep going. I finished the guest room where Madison’s playroom used to be. I want it to be a very comfortable, warm, and inviting space for people I love. I wanted to do it well to honor Madison. I hope I did a good job for her.
