For the last several weeks I’ve been throwing myself into making the playroom a comfortable guest room. I’ve noticed that I’m obsessing over every detail, measuring precisely and questioning all decisions. I’m taking my time, not rushing the process, and just making sure everything is well done. I think, other than the fact that it’s a nice distraction for me, I’m trying to make Madison proud. I want it to be a room she would love and be so excited to have if it were hers. No doubt, if she were here, she would have claimed the bed as her own already, flopping and jumping all over it. I’m always looking for ways to memorialize her. This all has to mean something. She takes up my mind every second of every day so there has to be a meaningful and obvious presence of her in the house as well. I want her to be seen whenever people come over. I don’t want it to seem like she’s disappeared from the family but I want to do that creatively. That’s where my mind has been lately through all the constant ups and downs. This all has to mean something.
I’m in one of my darker moments right now. These moments last several days and feel like a slow form of emotional torture as my mind takes me back to the guilt and the vivid images from that night and morning. I end up not sleeping because the silence and darkness are the perfect canvas for creating clear images in my mind. I’m also aware that every day takes us closer and closer to her birthday. Some “firsts” will be harder than others, and this day will most likely be in the top two. The second is the anniversary of her death in October.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. The pain I feel constantly is pushing me to want to make her proud of me. Almost like an apology for failing her in a vain attempt to make any of this feel better. The reality is that this will never feel better and ultimately, it’s something that I have to go through alone. Brian and Megan lost her as well, of course, but we are all grieving differently and I have to do this my own way. We do have each other and can lean on that love we all have for Madison which absolutely helps. We’ll see how I can incorporate Madison into our home in a way that honors her, remembers her properly, and also makes us smile.
Reading this makes my heart ache for you. The year of firsts are so hard. After “that year” is over it doesn’t necessarily get any better, but (in my case) it’s like I’ve faced this day before, I can do it again. I could not wait until “that year” was over.. I just didn’t want it to be the first time anymore.
A friend of mine told me of the Jewish tradition of burning a 24 hour memorial candle on the death anniversary of my daughter. It did bring me some peace and some calmness to my soul.
Another way of facing her birthday was actually thought of by her sister, my older daughter. We go to the bakeries in our town and pay for anonymously for someone’s birthday cake. It brings me a little happiness to think of someone having a good day.
Love and peace to you.