I haven’t had many dreams about Madison. After we lost her, I thought I would have nightmares all the time, but they never happened. Being awake and seeing the images from that day was enough of a nightmare I guess. I have only had two dreams about her. The first was not long after she died. I was in a building that felt like a hospital and from across the room I could see someone wheeling Madison through a door. I ran after them, through the door and down this long corridor. When I caught them, I could see her very clearly. She was gone but I got to spend more time with her without all the tubes and wires all over her. I touched her face and hair, then took out a pair of scissors and cut some of her hair to keep. I knew this dream was a regret that I hadn’t asked the mortician to do that for us. But it was also a need to see her again, even though she wasn’t alive.
The second dream was just a couple of days ago. It felt like I was out running errands or sightseeing or something, but I could feel Madison with me like she always was. I could feel her there as we moved from place to place, looking at weird events. Suddenly I realized, while I was still dreaming, that she was there. It was as if before her presence was obvious, not something odd. I could feel her hand in mine as we were walking around. I stopped immediately, took her little hand in both of mine, and put it on my face. In my dream, I could feel her hand like I had hundreds of times before. I felt it on my face and in my hands for a moment. Before I went to sleep that night, I was having a hard day and told God that I just needed to hug her. I woke up feeling a little better.
Brian has had several dreams. He said we heard Madison downstairs in the morning playing loudly like she always did. We both ran downstairs to find her doing what she always did, only she looked at us like she didn’t know us.
Another was at McDonald’s, one of her favorite places. Brian was in the main eating area and Madison was on the other side of the glass in the kid’s play area. He was trying to communicate with Madison to find out what she wanted to eat but they couldn’t hear each other. He resorted to hand signals with her.
I know people have varying beliefs about what dreams are. I think they’re just interpretations of what is going on in our subconscious. Some think some of them are visits by the people we’ve loved and lost like the ravens from last month. I’m just glad my dreams haven’t been nightmares and have given me a few moments with Madison, even though she wasn’t actually there. The enormity of her loss overwhelms me sometimes and these dreams have helped. I hope they continue to feel like visits.