I’m getting pretty good at pretending to be ok in social situations. For a while, there was nothing I could do to hide the suffocating sadness I felt all the time. My brain just took over and pushed the emotions out. It wasn’t something I could control. I still have moments like that when I don’t have enough distractions around me to help me avoid the mental images and heartache, but our most recent family trip showed me that I can still be sociable. We were around family and friends for ten days. I was able to laugh and talk, smile, and enjoy the company of others. I did well putting on a happy face because I really was happy to be around people I loved, but underneath the surface, that sadness is always there. It’s this dark hole, like a part of my soul is gone. I always feel it, even when I’m laughing hysterically with others. This time, that ability lasted about a week before I had to remove myself from socializing because grief demanded an audience. Just knowing I was enjoying myself and Madison couldn’t be a part of that became too much. She would’ve loved this trip and everyone there. I could picture her with us and predict what she would say and do in every situation. It hurts not being able to share these things with her. It hurts not being able to tuck her in at night and watch her have fun. It hurts not having her around to make us laugh and hear her laugh. It hurts to not be able to introduce her to new family and friends. It hurts.
People have told me that living will get easier. I can feel that and what it’s like. I’m just getting good at faking being ok and setting aside that part of my mind that’s always in pain for just a moment. I know I’ll be forced to pick up and embrace that part of my mind but I’m finding it easier to choose when to do that in order to release some of the pain that’s been built up.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just allows you to learn how to manage the pain that will always be there.