I picture Madison like this sometimes. Standing there, looking at the ocean and loving where she is, wishing I could run up behind her, pick her up, hug her and listen to her laugh. She loved this place and I know she loves where she is even more. I just wish I could share it with her sometimes. I want to stand there holding her little hand and listen to the waves.
It’s the simple things you miss so do as many of those things as you can.
The last few weeks have been a struggle. I was doing ok for a little while then suddenly I wasn’t feeling well. That chest pain came back and I couldn’t stop crying. It started with selling Madison’s bed and then I realized that I would be normally getting Madison ready for the start of school. She would be trying to get me to buy her a new backpack, excited about all the new supplies. She would spend days wearing her backpack around the house looking forward to the first day of 11th grade and hiding her toys in her bag when I wasn’t looking. I reached a low point when I started seeing friends posting back-to-school pictures of their kids and realized that I would only be taking one picture this year instead of two. Madison loved school, not so much the homework, but she loved her friends and teachers. She loved being a part of that group and so did I. I still feel so lost sometimes. It is painful how much I miss her and all of these firsts are like someone continually ripping off a fresh scab.
I know that these peaks and valleys will keep happening and I’m at the bottom getting ready to claw my way back up the mountain. Probably the hardest place to be in this process. I know I’ll be ok and I’ll be able to pretend to be ok, but this hole in my heart will never be filled.