Having children is a journey, a sacrifice. You make that decision with the person you love knowing that the people you will bring into this world will be a combination of you both. It’s exciting at first and then terrifying when they arrive. I never knew that I would be adding something that I would prefer to bubble wrap 24/7 from the world. The sentiment that children are just pieces of your heart walking around in the world is very accurate. The job of a mother is a heavy one. I just need to keep these kids alive. That is my goal along with modeling love, acceptance, tolerance, grace, mercy, compassion…no big deal. The weight I felt was overwhelming and adding a developmental disability to one of the girls took me to a place I never expected. I regularly went outside in the silence of my surroundings and yelled out to God to help me. I didn’t know what to do or what was wrong with my children. Both had issues at the same time for a moment. Madison was the child who had them chromosomally. Megan would develop well and normally with some help. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. With every medical or developmental issue that Madison had, I would respond. I found what I thought would help her, I worked to keep her feeling good. In the end, her medication was her downfall. But the alternative wasn’t acceptable. She was in pain every day without some help. She didn’t feel good, she didn’t eat and she was irritated and not happy. Madison was always happy. I consulted doctors, took her to infusions, and forced her into regular colonoscopies. Nothing was working for her. One stomach virus took her from us because of all the things I was doing to help her. The guilt from that, as a mother, is unbearable. There is no bubble wrap strong enough to protect her. A piece of my heart is gone and can’t be replaced. Who I was is no more. I have failed as a mother.
There really is nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise. My whole job as a mom was to keep my children safe and alive until they were ready to be on their own. That’s all. I failed in the most important job I will ever have.
You can’t fix that for me.