Sadness was always something that happened right after a bad experience. It lasted for a short time, you rationalize it, consider it, throw your logic at it and eventually, life removes it. Sadness is just this little visitor that never stays long, but it’s an important part of life. It contributes to who we become. We learn from it, how to handle it, and grow from it. So what happens when sadness is the only thing you feel, every second, minute, hour, every day? It’s the underlying emotion of my existence right now. I can meet people and laugh. I can smile and be social, but there’s never a moment I don’t feel it. Never.
For people who love me, that’s a hard thing to accept. It scares them. They want me to be happy, to remember Madison fondly, and keep moving forward in life. It’s hard to explain to them how impossible that is for me. At least not now. My whole existence is sadness and it’s not something I can control no matter how many memes people share on social media about “choosing joy.”
Grief doesn’t end so sadness will always be a part of my life. Losing Madison created a hole that cannot be filled no matter how hard the people I love try to fill it. I don’t know how to convince them that they shouldn’t be scared or worried about me. I’m ok, I’m just trying to navigate losing my daughter. My love just doesn’t have anywhere to go and it can’t be satisfied easily. My love for that little girl was and is everything to me. My love for Megan is everything to me. My love for Brian is everything to me.
I’ll never be the same. We’ll never be the same. I just ask for patience from the people who love us the most.