It sneaks up on me so suddenly. I’ll be doing something in the house and a memory jumps into my head. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just stop in my tracks and cry. Today I glanced at our Christmas tree and saw Madison’s picture and immediately needed her to grab my face, pull me close to hers and rub our noses together. She did that all the time and then would sometimes kiss me on the lips and hug me really tightly. You see, we shared the same nose. Megan got her dad’s nose. It’s not squishy like mine. Madison and I have noses that are so squishy we could both push them flat to our faces. It was a fascination for Megan as well. She likes to boop my nose still. But Maddie and I loved having that in common and I needed to feel that so badly today. My mind went back to the ER right after the doctor told me she was gone. I just stood there rubbing my thumb over her forehead and down to her nose so I could feel it one last time. I wish I could’ve hugged her but she was hooked up to too many things.
These heartbreaks happen all the time and I imagine they’ll continue to happen for the rest of my life, though maybe not as often. The act of grieving this loss is so incredibly heavy and that weight will take a long time to lighten.