How many of you got your child dressed this morning? Did you zip up and button their jeans, put on their shirt and socks, then put on their shoes and tie the laces? You know that one day you won’t have to do any of those things for your child and that time is approaching quickly. Part of you is relieved that they will find that independence, but another part of you knows your heart will break a little.
I was tying Madison’s shoes and getting her dressed all the way up until the day she died at age 15. She never learned to tie her shoes. I and her teachers tried to teach her. She still struggled with buttoning her jeans and zipping her hoodies, though she was doing pretty good with her hoodies toward the end. She could do the basics but regularly put her socks on upside down. I helped her with her new bras, she was pretty good at putting on her underwear and shirt though it took her a little while. That season of helping my child never ended, I never got to see her be totally independent and it hurts. In every picture I have of her, I see myself and all the things I did to get her ready for that picture. We were so close that it just breaks my heart all over again to see that precious smiling face in her outfits knowing we may have struggled that morning or laughed while getting ready. She wasn’t always helpful as you can probably imagine. If her hair is back in the picture, that was a fight or a mild annoyance at least. In the end, she was always smiling, and then we would do it all over again the next day.
The last time I dressed her, I didn’t realize her heart was failing. I don’t have the clothes I put her in because they were cut off of her to try and save her life. I want those clothes so badly but I know they’re gone.
Losing my daughter is like experiencing hundreds of heartbreaks every day. I just urge you to be present, even in the most mundane moments. One day, you won’t be doing them anymore and you’ll miss it.