We are nearing the end of our first year, January to December, without Madison. This year was primarily about learning how to grieve and how to push through daily moments of Post Traumatic Stress. We’re learning how to be a family of three rather than four and how to include Madison in our daily lives as a memory rather than an active participant. Most people look at an impending new year as an opportunity, a chance to make some personal changes or improvements. It’s a hopeful though cautiously optimistic outlook. I’m not one of those people anymore I think. The beginning of 2023 just reminds me that I’m painfully continuing this life without Maddie and I’ll just have to imagine what life would be like if she were still here.
We’re preparing to watch Megan graduate high school before the Summer. How excited would Madison be for her sister? She would most likely be her loudest cheerleader in the audience. Megan will be going off to college in the Fall. How would Madison react to saying goodbye to her and returning home with us without her? She hid her genuine sadness most of the time and it manifested in atypical ways, but I know she would miss her big sister and probably text her constantly. Madison would’ve been entering her senior year of high school and I know she would be looking forward to wearing the robe and getting her certificate of completion the following Summer. Meg will be visiting us after being away for a while for the first time after starting college. I don’t have to wonder what Madison would do or how she would sound. I can already hear her joy seeing her big sister again.
This is what life is like. It’s living without Madison but carrying the possibility of who she would be with us. We talk about her all the time, what she would say or do in any given situation. We laugh but sadness immediately follows. I know that the person I believe she would be is actually a little girl frozen in time. In reality, she would be different, she would change. New habits would be formed, and new sayings and funny statements would become memories. She will no longer influence our family. We will always be unique because of who she was, but we will slowly change due to her absence. I loved our family with her in it. We were a funny group.
2022 turning over to 2023 will simply be another day. I’ll just be continuing this journey of learning how to grieve and I’ll do my best to be there for Megan as she moves on to her next major life experience. One thing has definitely changed, though. When I look at Megan and see the beautiful young lady she has become, I’m not sad that she’s no longer that little baby or toddler. I’m not sad that she’s growing up. I’m not sad that she’s about to head to college and leave home. I’m happy that I get the chance to watch her grow, see what she accomplishes, and get to know her into adulthood. I don’t get to watch Madison grow and change.
What comes next for me is anyone’s guess. I have exciting plans, and a handful of things to look forward to. I just hope I can be fully present and enjoy myself a little.