It was two years ago today that we brought Madison’s ashes home. At the time, it felt like we were waiting forever to have her back home with us, but it was just under a month after she died until that finally happened. We no longer carry her from room to room like we did then. She has her own place of prominence now surrounded by her favorite toys and some of our favorite pictures of her.
It’s hard not having her here with family, especially during the holiday season. She added so much to the experience of all of us being together. I’m thankful for our memories, though. For all the pictures and videos I have of her with family. At the time, watching both my girls grow up, I used to agree with the phrase, “Time is a thief,” but now I know that time is a blessing. I envy those who get to continue watching their children grow and change, even through difficulty. I discovered, as a parent, that watching your children live brings life to you as well. You feel their sadness, pain, joy, and love. When that’s suddenly gone, the void is neverending. It isn’t just the death of your child, it’s also a death within yourself and nothing can fill it or make it go away.
I know that, as the years pass, every family holiday visit will get easier as I learn to manage my pain and grief. I pray every day that I get to watch Megan continue in her life and experience all the crazy wonderful and sometimes scary things that living can bring. Even though I know very well that it’s not guaranteed, I still hold on to hope and remain thankful that we are making new memories with her.