I’ve learned a lot about relationships and about pain over the last two years. The oppressive silence and sudden change in our lives have permanently broken my heart. I’ve read and been told that time will heal the pain I’m feeling but, so far, I haven’t felt any progress. What has changed is my ability to mask the pain I feel every day and put on a face and behavior acceptable in normal society. The same darkness I felt the day Madison died is always with me and grief still crushes me when I least expect it. Sleeping is better but still a struggle occasionally. I still hear her voice but it’s growing quieter. When I close my eyes, I have trouble feeling what her hand felt like the last time I held it. As quickly as I lost her physically, I’m now slowly losing her mentally. It’s a new kind of heartbreak that happens over a much longer period of time. I’m losing the memory of my child.
It’s been two years since I heard her voice, touched her face, and felt her hug me while calling me Mama. Two years since I sang to her and prayed over her as I said goodnight. Two years since I brushed my hands through her hair and heard her laugh. I still have moments when I feel how real she was and can’t believe she’s gone. People tell me I’m still her mother but I’m not actively mothering her so, really, I’m not her mother anymore. Someone else is filling that role now and she no longer needs me even though I desperately need her.
I know that many can’t understand what this is like. Not many know how to act around me or know what to say so it falls to me to stay silent rather than bring my grief into situations. I smile more than usual and laugh often. I push down reality so I can be as normal as possible then cry later. I’m not always successful. I wish, so much, that people could understand but at the same time, I’m so glad that they don’t because I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.
I told Brian recently that I just don’t know how to not be sad but I’m going to keep trying.
I love and miss you so much, Maddie and I’ll never forgive myself for failing you.💜