I’ve been thinking about the stages of grief, wondering how I’m doing so far and which ones I can check off as no longer an issue:
Acceptance: ✓
Denial: ✓
Bargaining: ✓
Depression: This one is on-going
Anger: Yea, this is where I am
I thought the Anger stage would be about what happened but it’s not completely about that. There are moments when I’m furious for no obvious reason. I’ve never felt anger like this before. I can’t handle anything sometimes. I’ve had to tell Brian to change the program on the tv immediately because I couldn’t take it anymore and I couldn’t describe why. Little things set me off right now and it’s so hard to hold back my emotions. It shocks me to tears because crying is the only relief I have from the rage. I’m not an angry person and usually very patient and calm. I’m hoping this stage is a short one because it’s not great. Thankfully, those episodes are few and far between, but they’re overwhelming. Deep down, I think I’m angry that we have to go through this. I’m angry that Madison had to go through what she did, all the pain and discomfort of her illness for years only to lose her life young and not have the opportunity to experience more of this world and her family. I’m angry that my family is changed forever, and that we have to wake up every day reconciling the fact that Brian and I lost our daughter, Megan lost her sister, and we have to try to get through the day with the details of that constantly on our minds.
Even though this anger pops up sometimes, I realize that suffering is a part of living. We aren’t guaranteed an easy life no matter how hard we pray for it. We never found the right medication for Madison even though I prayed with her almost every night asking God to help us figure out how to help her tummy. All we can do is what Madison did every day. She laughed, she smiled, she joked, and made people happy. She definitely frustrated people too but even that always seemed to end in laughter. She was so cute, so funny and a source of so much joy. Even when she was in pain and didn’t want to eat, she enjoyed life. I would love to be able to do the same in her honor, but it’s hard to know how when she was the source of so much of that joy. It’ll just take time. It always takes time. There’s light behind the pain and anger and it’s that sweet smile and laugh I remember.